When the Past Shows up in the Present

A reflection on how our history shapes the way we see what's happening right now

Have you ever found yourself reacting so strongly to something... and then later thinking, “Wow!! Why did I respond with such intensity?”

Maybe the situation felt so familiar, almost like you had been here before; and maybe, in a way you had, but just not exactly the way you might think.

This is something I genuinely find fascinating to think about. Because our past experiences do not always just stay in the past. Sometimes they travel with us and quietly shape how we make sense of what’s happening right now, and often without us even realizing it.

Lets start with a story:

Picture this; Emma’s daughter comes home upset. She wasn’t included in a bowling night by her friend group. A few of her friends made plans and she just wasn’t invited. It hurts, and Emma can see that clearly.

But Emma knows this feeling. Not this situation… this feeling. She grew up being bullied, and the moment her daughter starts talking, something in her is triggered. Her chest tightens; voice rises... she picks up the phone and calls the other parent. She is very upset and says things like, “This always happens”, “why do people always do this to others?”.

Emma is heartbroken, but it's a heartbreak that goes beyond what just happened this one afternoon. Her daughter’s experience doesn't just feel similar to what she went through growing up. To Emma, it feels like the exact same thing.

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How past experiences shape our beliefs

When we go through something painful or significant, especially early on in life, our minds do something very natural. It forms beliefs. Sometimes these beliefs are not necessarily conscious ones, we don’t actually sit there and decide on them. Instead, they are more like quiet conclusions we draw about how people or the world works, and what to expect from situations that feel familiar.

Think of it like mental habits we pick up early in life, usually in response to something hard or painful. They quietly stick around, and they tend to resurface in moments that feel familiar or triggering (Young, Klosko & Weishaar, 2003).

For someone like Emma, growing up being bullied may have quietly led her to believe that people will hurt others without a second thought. So, when her daughter came home with that story, that belief didn't just notice the situation, it recognized it (Young, Klosko & Weishaar, 2003).

But here is the thing, once a belief like that takes root, it starts to shape everything. What you notice, how fast you react, and how intense it feels. This is because our brains are wired to look for patterns and protect us from familiar threats, and when something triggers that, the response moves fast. It doesn't wait for us to think it through first (Dana, 2021).

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Your feelings and reactions might be carrying an old story.

When Emma reacted the way she did, the raised voice, the phone call, the hurt, the anger; her reaction was not only about the bowling outing. It was shaped by what that bowling outing meant to her based on her past.

Think of it like this; imagine you burnt your hand on a stove as a kid. From then on, even walking past a stove might make you a little tense. That response makes total sense given your history. But the stove in front of you right now isn’t necessarily burning; your nervous system just remembers the one that did.

What could it have looked like instead?

Now, consider what Emma’s response would have looked like if she held a different belief instead; maybe something like “people don't always have bad intentions, and when they do, it isn't always about me.” Such a belief would have probably allowed her to pause. To sit with her daughter first and maybe ask her what she needed before immediately reaching for the phone.

This does not mean Emma’s reaction was wrong. Her feelings make complete sense and come from something so real. It’s just that when the past and the present get tangled up like this, the reaction can end up being more about the old wound rather than what is actually happening in the moment.

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A few things that can help

If any of this feels familiar, here are some ideas to try. These are not quick fixes, they are more like small practices that, over time, can help create a little breathing room between the past and the present.

1. Notice

· Try to pay attention to when something feels familiar, or when the reaction feels bigger than you might expect. That sense of “Oh I know this feeling” or “here we go again” can be a signal that an older experience is showing up in the present.

Sometimes just noticing this without judging yourself for it is a meaningful first step.

2. Pause

· Before assuming the outcome of a situation will be the same as before, try to pause. Situations can carry real similarities without being the same. Remember that the people are different, the circumstances are different. Pausing can give you a moment to check in with what is actually happening in the moment.

3. Separate

· Try separate the facts of then from the facts of now. Consider what actually happened in your past experience? And what are the facts of what is happening in the present? Even just doing this mentally, holding both situations side by side can help you start to see the new experience as its own thing, rather than a repeat of the old experience.

A last thought:

The goal is not to stop feeling things deeply. Strong feelings aren’t the problem, they make sense, and they come from real experiences that matter.

The goal is to understand where those reactions are coming from, so that they do not have to run the show without you knowing it.

When we can create even a bit of distance between what happened then, and what is happening now, we give ourselves more choice in how we respond... We can still feel it; we just don't have to be swept away by it.

If any of this hit close to home, talking to a therapist can help you start to sort through it. Reach out to our therapists at Aligned Minds Edmonton to book a session. We would love to support you.

Reference:

Dana, D. (2021). Anchored: How to befriend your nervous system using polyvagal theory.

Sounds True.

Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner's

guide. Guilford Press.