“Talk to yourself, as you would someone you love” (Brene Brown)
Have you ever had to comfort a friend or family member that was going through a difficult time?
What kind of words did you use to comfort them? What tone of voice did you use?
Now, can you recall the last time you were going through a difficult time?
What kind of words did you use when you were talking to yourself?
What tone of voice were you using with yourself?
Consider the differences between how you treat your close friends when they are struggling and how you treat yourself. Do you notice any differences or patterns?
We tend to be much more compassionate with others than with ourselves.
What is Self Compassion?
“Self Compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others… learning to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most” (Christopher Germer)
At Aligned Minds Counseling and Therapy in Edmonton, we help individuals on their journey towards ending a cycle of self criticism and starting a self compassionate approach, to improve their mood, self-esteem, wellbeing and relationships.
Why Does Self Criticism Seem to Be My Default Setting?
Our minds often default to self – criticism for 2 reasons:
Self- improvement – Self criticism is sometimes used to try to better ourselves, and push ourselves. It can be meant to keep us humble.
Self- punishment – Some people may feel that self criticism is a punishment for an action they view as “bad”.
People might find it difficult to let go of self criticism because they feel it serves these purposes. In reality, once they investigate, they find that self compassion can often lead to better results with less pain.
3 Keys to Self Compassion
Self Kindness
When you are in a difficult situation, try being as caring toward yourself as you would be toward someone else.
Focus on self talk that is supportive, encouraging, accepting and warm
“ I am sorry you are going through this, you are a good person”
Mindfulness
Try being aware of the feelings and sensations you are experiencing in the moment.
Acknowledge the pain you are in and allow all thoughts, emotions and sensations without judgement.
As humans, we don’t always acknowledge how much pain we are in. We tend to avoid or resist painful feelings and sensations.
“ I am feeling hurt and angry”
Common Humanity:
Recognize that pain and suffering are universal human experiences. We all experience pain at some point to varying degrees. We are all flawed, will all make mistakes and will all experience challenges in life.
“ I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes”
Why Practice Self-Compassion?
Researchers have explored the benefits of self compassion practice, and have observed that people who practice self compassion:
Tend to have less mental health challenges like depression, anxiety and stress.
Are better able to cope with tough situations.
Are more likely to engage in perspective taking instead of focusing on their own distress.
Are less afraid of failure and are more likely to try again and to continue trying after failing.
Tend to be more caring and supportive in relationships
Experience greater well-being.
4 Quick Ways to Get Started with Self Compassion:
1.Breathe:
Sometimes our nervous system gets trapped in the flight/ flee/ freeze trap, our breathing gets faster, stress hormones (cortisol/adrenaline) get released, and we stop thinking clearly. Taking the time to breathe can help regulate our nervous system and start the process of self-compassion much more easily.
Take deep, slow belly breaths. Some people find it helpful to inhale for 7 counts and exhale for 11 counts. Most people may need to work up to this length of time, and that’s ok! What is important is that you are slowing down your breath and starting up the relaxation response!
2.Compassionate Image:
Imagery has been very helpful in helping to stimulate compassionate emotions.
Think of someone you care about- someone you care for unconditionally, this can be a family member, friend or pet.
Imagine this person needs your help. Focus on giving them the compassion that they need. Allow yourself to feel caring and concern for them
This image will become your compassion image, a picture that you can bring up in your mind when you want to feel more compassionate towards yourself.
3.Write a Letter to Yourself:
Write a letter as if you were talking to a friend who has the same concerns as you.
Focus on writing from the compassionate part of yourself, to the part of you that is having a difficult time.
4.Soothing touch:
Use the power of physical touch to help trigger the compassion response
Try one of the strategies below:
One hand over your heart
Cradling your face in your hands
Crossing your arms and giving yourself a gentle hug
“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need” (Kristin Neff)
Finding Support in Edmonton
If self criticism is affecting your mood or overall well-being, it may be time to seek help. Aligned Minds Counseling and Therapy, based in Edmonton, offers compassionate support tailored to your unique needs.
Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a therapist. Let us help you take the next step toward healing.
References:
Centre for Clinical Interventions (2019). Workbook: Building Self Compassion. Self-Compassion Self-Help Resources - Information Sheets & Workbooks. Accessed December 04, 2024
Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive (1st ed.). Guilford Publications.
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